The Broken Vessel–Breaking the Stigma Surrounding Depression

For the past six months or so, we have been wading through the mire of mental illness with Allie.  Specifically depression and suicidal ideation.  It began with parents and leaders sending texts and screen shots of posts or messages about suicide that she had sent to friends.

At first, we were at a loss, unsure if what she was posting was truly how she felt since it was such a contradiction to what we saw.

But it continued to escalate.

We got a referral from our pediatrician to a place that we thought did both psychiatry and counselling.  It was a two month wait until their next appointment.

Two months with a daughter who was spiraling out of control.  Two months of praying that we could just make it another day.

The Diagnosis

At her appointment we learned that they no longer offered counselling services, but we did get to meet with a psychiatrist.  He diagnosed her with severe anxiety and depression and started her on a low dose anti-depressant.  We left with a list of recommendations for therapists and a little hope.

I called over twenty therapists before I found one who was both accepting patients and took our insurance.  Most are apparently self-pay.  And even then, they wouldn’t see her until she turned fourteen.  And so we waited, again, for help that was desperately needed.

During which time she began cutting to try and cope with the barrage of negativity pounding her brain.

It is such a slow process.  We are still trying to find the right dose of the right medication.  We have since been told that she exhibits many traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.  The good news is that since her brain is still developing, there is a good chance with therapy she can learn to overcome many of those traits before they cement themselves.  However, therapy is something that takes time and relies a lot on her putting in effort and being honest both with herself and her therapist.

Depression is Frustrating and Isolating

It is frustrating to not have an easy answer or a quick fix.  Frustrating that depression doesn’t abide by reason.  It’s complicated to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and behavior brought on by her anxiety and depression.  It is hard to know when to push and when to pull back.  It is emotionally exhausting.

And it is isolating.  In a culture where the proper response to “How are you?” is “I’m fine.” it’s hard to find an opening to discuss the toll mental illness brings on an individual, on a family.  It is a delicate balance to not get caught in the downward spiral.  We have been so grateful to friends who have listened, for prayers that have been offered, and for concern expressed.  We thank our Heavenly Father everyday for those individuals who have been placed in her life who reserve judgement, forgive frankly and love her unconditionally.

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My most favorite talk on mental illness is by Jeffery R. Holland, titled “Like a Broken Vessel.”  If you find yourself needing encouragement, this is a wonderful talk to read.

Likewise, Silent Souls Weeping is a wonderful book to read that describes the effects mental illness has on a persons testimony.