Homeschooling a Teen with Depression? Here’s What You Need to Know

Inside: What to expect when homeschooling a teen with depression.

I felt the vibration in my pocket. That little buzz notifying me I had a new text message.

I continued chatting away with my husband as I fumbled to get it out of my pocket. My brow furrowed in concern as I read and re-read the message.

That notification was the beginning of our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, year. The first of many concerned texts and phone calls that told us our daughter wanted to die.

Despite Allie’s anxiety being the catalyst for our journey into homeschooling, we were caught off guard by her mounting depression.

How do you Homeschool a Teen with Depression?

We didn’t know. But we were about to get a crash course.

One thing was certain, our homeschool was getting a mandatory make-over.

The first few months we spent in crisis mode, trying to find her help and get her stabilized.

And then, we began rebuilding our homeschool. Restructuring it to include the mental illness that now engulfed our lives.

The Most Important Lessons We Learned Parenting a Teen With Depression

You are Not Alone

I shook my hands to relieve my fingers. They were cramping from trying to keep up with the flood of conversations trying to occur simultaneously as family, friends, and strangers reached out.

Sharing our story had given them permission to share theirs. So many other moms carrying this same burden in silence, wanting me to know they understood.

Families, much like ours, trying to understand how to help their hurting child. Homeschool, Public School, Private School. Christian and Secular. Mental illness is no respecter of persons. We were bonded by a silent foe.

Simply knowing there were others who understood my burden and were willing to lend a listening ear was helpful. Look for others through online groups or in-person who can lend you support.

Gain Power Over Mental Illness

Shortly after my daughter began receiving treatment, a family friend she was confiding in encouraged her to share her struggles with her Sunday school class.

To be honest, I felt apprehensive about it. Mental illness has such a negative stigma and I didn’t know how it would be received.

But at the end of class one Sunday, she asked if she could have a few moments and shared what she was going through. Her teacher afterward told me she thought my daughter was brave.

She has since spoken about her mental health struggles in front of our entire congregation on a few separate occasions. Being able to share what she is going through gives her power over her mental illness. It is not something she needs to hide or be ashamed of.

It also helps those around her react with more compassion and extend forgiveness when she struggles.

Be Prepared to Grieve

Depression is a thief. It robs individuals of joy, motivation, and relationships. As a parent of a teen with depression, you’ll mourn as you see their hopes and aspirations fizzle and die. And as relationships with friends disintegrate and disappear.

When the child who was once a motivated and avid go-getter now struggles with the basic necessities of life–getting out of bed, personal hygiene, eating–it is hard to watch. It is hard when they resist help because they feel hopeless. Hard to see your child who was once so vibrant and full of life now angry, sullen and withdrawn.

And it is hard to wonder if you will ever get that child back or if you need to console yourself with a new normal.

It is okay to grieve the loss of possibilities. It is okay to grieve. Grief is the cost of love. And it is okay to grieve for this child you love who has such a heavy burden to bear.

Homeschooling a Teen With Depression Affects the Whole Family

Depression is like a smelly fart. It may only be one person passing gas, but everyone breathing the same air suffers from the putrid smell.

There is no hiding it. When you are homeschooling a teen with depression everyone is affected. You, your spouse, their siblings.

Knowing how to set healthy boundaries is a necessary skill. (Check out the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud.)

We gathered our other children and explained depression in age-appropriate terms. We asked them to be compassionate and quick to forgive when they felt slighted by their sister. But we also let them know it wasn’t an excuse for her to treat them poorly.

They needed to let us know if they needed a break. We try to not overlook their needs and make sure everyone is getting attention. Sometimes this meant having our struggling daughter spend time with a trusted friend so we could focus on our other children.

“This will try your marriage. You’ll need to hold tight to each other.” This was the first piece of advice my husband and I were given when everything began. It became vital for our marriage and our sanity to recognize when we were beginning to feel overwhelmed so we could step back, reconnect and come back fresh.

Don’t neglect your own mental health trying to help your child! Take time to fill your bucket and allow others in your household to do the same.

Related: How to Keep Consistency in Your Homeschool During Trials

Homeschooling a Teen With Depression Looks Different

Your homeschool and your approach to homeschooling are going to change. Like with any chronic illness, adaptations will be necessary. Schedules will need to be adjusted for therapy sessions and doctor appointments.

A big part of homeschooling a teen with depression is knowing when to push and when to hold back. When do you let them sleep and when do you drag them out of bed to get to work.

School still has to happen, but it may be at a modified pace. Your expectations of what your child is capable of may need to be re-evaluated.

I try to be flexible with deadlines, but firm about the work being done. In good conscience, I can’t give credit for work which wasn’t done. I can, however, extend our school year or modify assignments.

My daughter begins to get anxious when she feels behind or feels she may fall behind. It becomes paralyzing to the point she chooses to do nothing. I remind her she isn’t behind. I set the due dates and I can adjust them. There is no behind.

The flexibility homeschooling allows becomes a great gift when homeschooling a teen with depression.

Homeschooling a Teen with Depression Is Hard-But Worth It

I’m not gonna lie, one of the hardest things I have done is homeschooling my daughter while she struggled with depression.

It was intense, frustrating, and often infuriating. It was lonely. But I knew with all my heart, home was where she needed to be. Home was where she needed to heal.

It is not a trial I would choose for anyone. But know this, you are not alone in it.